Endurer

There are many characteristics that make up my personality. I have had multiple 'eureka' moments where I have suddenly realized why I do certain things that I do; my avoidance of conflict, my inability to speak my mind if there's the slightest chance that I might cause someone offence, my penchant for compromise, compromise, compromise. One of those 'eureka' moments came today with the title of 'Endurer'. No, that is not a real word.  Yes, I took some liberty with the English language. So sue me. Or rather, don't, because I'm broke. But that's besides the point.

'Endurer' is yet undefined, so I will define it for you. Endurers are people who, when faced with a problem that causes them a certain amount of angst, they almost never do anything to change it if their actions in doing so will cause anyone at all some amount of pain. When confronted with something or someone who brings them strife, rather than deal with it, an Endurer will, simply, endure it. Dealing with the problem would have them going out of their comfort zone and confronting someone or something, causing discomfort and maybe even pain. In an effort to avoid that, an Endurer endures the issue at hand for however long is necessary. Until they find a solution that works for everyone.
There's probably another term or name in the field of psychology or some such study that describes this, but Endurer is perfect for me. It may sound ridiculous to many, but many others will relate. There are positive and negative sides to enduring this way, and often the negative side is more prominent because enduring in these kinds of situations isn't doing anyone any good; not you, not the cause of the problem or the people around you. Yes, this is part of who I am. Yes, it is troublesome not only for me but for those around me; yes, I am trying to change it and no, I do not need people telling me that "all of my problems would be solved" if I would "just speak up about it"!
I get it, alright? I am passive. I am quiet. I endure in silence until I can't take it anymore, and yes that is stupid and downright unreasonable in a lot of cases, but come on. Really, humanity, do you think that I do not know as much? I do not need the constant reminders of how my personality is such a hindrance to happiness because the world likes to take advantage of the way I am - I am not saying that is truth, I am saying that that is what I have been told all too often. I don't need that, thank you very much. Not only does it make me tear myself down, regardless of how false it may be, it is excruciatingly unhelpful. And it hurts. We can all be so judgemental of other people and who they are - I am as guilty of this as the next guy - when we don't think before we spit out our biased, abrasive opinions. Yes, I have character flaws and I bring some of it upon myself, but the thing is, everyone does. Bluntly saying whatever comes to mind based on your own bias is one of those flaws. Sometimes I wish I was privy to that one, but alas, I am not blessed with that curse. I have plenty of my own to deal with.
I endure the criticism of my personality and habits, I say "I know, I know, it's stupid, I'm stupid, and I'm trying to change, I'm trying to learn" to all the calloused tongues that lash out and tell me so, but I am fully aware of it. There are many who don't realize their own faults, and that is a fault in itself. I myself endure because it's a hard thing to change. I make the same mistake, I tell myself not to make it again, but then I revert to my knee-jerk reaction in a time of crisis. It's what I do.
It's what I know.
Change is something that, often times, may not seem possible. Really, it's just not probable, and I take that into account and turn not probable into not possible. That is my loss, clearly, and I know that.
Why is it that those who seem to have the desire to fix me think that I don't know what my faults are?
I don't believe that anyone besides God can know a person better than that person knows themselves, though that does not mean that we realize what all of our shortcomings are - we don't see it sometimes, or we choose to ignore it - and so in the end, who are we to judge?
Leave judgement unto God for He is the only one fair and just enough to carry it out.
I don't need anyone to tell me that I am passive and have an avoidant personality, I don't need anyone to tell me that that gets me into trouble and that it would do me well to think of new strategies to deal with those kinds of situations. Your input may have been helpful four years ago, but I have since then discovered those traits of mine quite extensively. I have also discovered the things about those traits that I find comforting and helpful, traits that I may even have come to love. When I am told that I am "too reserved" and "need to assert myself more" to "get my opinion out there" I shut myself down to the idea and to the people telling me as much. I am an endurer and an observer, I don't want to stir things up and make them more difficult than they already are and I enjoy the peace of watching from the sidelines and forming my own opinions that I am perfectly happy to keep to myself. Sometimes, but only sometimes, I will feel comfortable to share my thoughts. But I find more often than not that either my opinions aren't developed enough to be articulated properly through speech, or I simply don't feel like paying my two-cents' worth.
Like I said, I have no cash to spare at this point. I only loan what I know for certain I can pay back in short order.
That said, my point is made in here somewhere...I hope. I am an Endurer. I will endure discomfort, I will endure irritation, I will endure annoyance, pain, forwardness that I never asked for, opinions that I never wanted to hear, and I will endure criticism of my very personality to protect everyone but myself from harm. It's not noble, it's stupid, and yet at the same it is synonymous to saying that I don't give up easily. If I can endure then I do not have the tendency to quit, and that, if nothing else, is an encouraging thought.

Endure

Questioning Shakespeare

"Gentlemen, forward to the bridal dinner:
I see a woman may be made a fool
If she had not a spirit to resist."

(Katherina, The Taming of the Shrew, III, ii, 221-223)

I've been informed that explaining the meaning behind the last two lines above will be included in a test I am to take in English class tomorrow. I could have spent the afternoon tearing my hair out at the roots in an effort to go into whatever layers these lines might hold, but I decided to ignore the words instead. I'm still deciding whether or not that was a good decision.

"If she had not a spirit to resist": would that mean the same as "if she didn't have the willpower and/or strength to resist" or "if she didn't have someone to resist"? A thought to ponder. I would feel like a cheater if I asked for help on the question, which is why I haven't talked about it. My pride is in question here, which is a little bit of a sad reality. She could be saying that she would be made a fool of if she didn't have the strength to resist standing there to argue with Petruchio, her newly wedded husband. Is that exactly what it means, or am I missing those "layers" behind the statement that my teacher so cryptically referred to?

Could she be saying that she might be made a fool of if she let Petruchio, as her husband, order her as he pleased and carry out his dominance to zero resistance on her part, regardless of his demands? If she blindly follows him now and accepts his word as law, no matter how horrendous, eventually he might have her doing things that turn her into an utter fool if she doesn't have the strength to stand up for herself? Even in a male-dominant society where women are expected to submit, if she submits without question she may end up looking the fool for not fighting back when the occasion warrants it? And yet at the same time, should she continually display her so-criticized shrewish nature she might go over the top and, thus, look the fool. To abandon her shrewd mannerisms would be to let Petruchio win, also making her the fool, if she doesn't resist his efforts and maintain her reputation. Yet to keep her shrewish ways would be to offer society further reason to mock her and keep away from her. She would remain oppressed in her own home by a father who seems to favour his younger daughter over her.

Is that layered enough for you, dear teacher? Maybe I'm entirely missing the point of the question.

Perhaps she's under the impression that after all this time of being submissive to males, women have not resisted and are thus made fools of. They've become the laughing-stock of society and she doesn't want to put up with that any more. But of course, one doesn't simply step out from millenniums' worthy of tradition, placing a toe out of line would make her further a fool under the ridicule of those around her, and she must resist her feelings of rebelliousness in order to maintain her already broken reputation.

Those lines alone could mean any number of things! How much am I actually supposed to draw out of them? I have no idea. I feel a little overwhelmed, to say the least. When a teacher says they're layered with meaning, how many layers does he mean? Am I over-thinking it? Am I not thinking it over enough? Have I completely missed every bull's-eye, every point, I was supposed to come close to? English class is so terribly stressful in grade 12...

Cheers, you intense teacher, you. I suppose I'll know the answers to my questions after tomorrow's test.

Past the Tip of Your Cigarette

http://juanthemexican.tumblr.com/post/76604175328

Admiring the world

Past the tip of your cigarette,

Watching the embers burn

With memories of regret.

Holding deep inside

Your sorrow and your sadness,

Carrying with you everywhere

The gouging pain and madness

Of this life.

Taking every day

As each one of them comes,

Running head on

Into each and every one.

Grasping at the hope

That mocks you from afar,

Clutching to the feelings

That hold you down like tar

To this earth.