Endurer

There are many characteristics that make up my personality. I have had multiple 'eureka' moments where I have suddenly realized why I do certain things that I do; my avoidance of conflict, my inability to speak my mind if there's the slightest chance that I might cause someone offence, my penchant for compromise, compromise, compromise. One of those 'eureka' moments came today with the title of 'Endurer'. No, that is not a real word.  Yes, I took some liberty with the English language. So sue me. Or rather, don't, because I'm broke. But that's besides the point.

'Endurer' is yet undefined, so I will define it for you. Endurers are people who, when faced with a problem that causes them a certain amount of angst, they almost never do anything to change it if their actions in doing so will cause anyone at all some amount of pain. When confronted with something or someone who brings them strife, rather than deal with it, an Endurer will, simply, endure it. Dealing with the problem would have them going out of their comfort zone and confronting someone or something, causing discomfort and maybe even pain. In an effort to avoid that, an Endurer endures the issue at hand for however long is necessary. Until they find a solution that works for everyone.
There's probably another term or name in the field of psychology or some such study that describes this, but Endurer is perfect for me. It may sound ridiculous to many, but many others will relate. There are positive and negative sides to enduring this way, and often the negative side is more prominent because enduring in these kinds of situations isn't doing anyone any good; not you, not the cause of the problem or the people around you. Yes, this is part of who I am. Yes, it is troublesome not only for me but for those around me; yes, I am trying to change it and no, I do not need people telling me that "all of my problems would be solved" if I would "just speak up about it"!
I get it, alright? I am passive. I am quiet. I endure in silence until I can't take it anymore, and yes that is stupid and downright unreasonable in a lot of cases, but come on. Really, humanity, do you think that I do not know as much? I do not need the constant reminders of how my personality is such a hindrance to happiness because the world likes to take advantage of the way I am - I am not saying that is truth, I am saying that that is what I have been told all too often. I don't need that, thank you very much. Not only does it make me tear myself down, regardless of how false it may be, it is excruciatingly unhelpful. And it hurts. We can all be so judgemental of other people and who they are - I am as guilty of this as the next guy - when we don't think before we spit out our biased, abrasive opinions. Yes, I have character flaws and I bring some of it upon myself, but the thing is, everyone does. Bluntly saying whatever comes to mind based on your own bias is one of those flaws. Sometimes I wish I was privy to that one, but alas, I am not blessed with that curse. I have plenty of my own to deal with.
I endure the criticism of my personality and habits, I say "I know, I know, it's stupid, I'm stupid, and I'm trying to change, I'm trying to learn" to all the calloused tongues that lash out and tell me so, but I am fully aware of it. There are many who don't realize their own faults, and that is a fault in itself. I myself endure because it's a hard thing to change. I make the same mistake, I tell myself not to make it again, but then I revert to my knee-jerk reaction in a time of crisis. It's what I do.
It's what I know.
Change is something that, often times, may not seem possible. Really, it's just not probable, and I take that into account and turn not probable into not possible. That is my loss, clearly, and I know that.
Why is it that those who seem to have the desire to fix me think that I don't know what my faults are?
I don't believe that anyone besides God can know a person better than that person knows themselves, though that does not mean that we realize what all of our shortcomings are - we don't see it sometimes, or we choose to ignore it - and so in the end, who are we to judge?
Leave judgement unto God for He is the only one fair and just enough to carry it out.
I don't need anyone to tell me that I am passive and have an avoidant personality, I don't need anyone to tell me that that gets me into trouble and that it would do me well to think of new strategies to deal with those kinds of situations. Your input may have been helpful four years ago, but I have since then discovered those traits of mine quite extensively. I have also discovered the things about those traits that I find comforting and helpful, traits that I may even have come to love. When I am told that I am "too reserved" and "need to assert myself more" to "get my opinion out there" I shut myself down to the idea and to the people telling me as much. I am an endurer and an observer, I don't want to stir things up and make them more difficult than they already are and I enjoy the peace of watching from the sidelines and forming my own opinions that I am perfectly happy to keep to myself. Sometimes, but only sometimes, I will feel comfortable to share my thoughts. But I find more often than not that either my opinions aren't developed enough to be articulated properly through speech, or I simply don't feel like paying my two-cents' worth.
Like I said, I have no cash to spare at this point. I only loan what I know for certain I can pay back in short order.
That said, my point is made in here somewhere...I hope. I am an Endurer. I will endure discomfort, I will endure irritation, I will endure annoyance, pain, forwardness that I never asked for, opinions that I never wanted to hear, and I will endure criticism of my very personality to protect everyone but myself from harm. It's not noble, it's stupid, and yet at the same it is synonymous to saying that I don't give up easily. If I can endure then I do not have the tendency to quit, and that, if nothing else, is an encouraging thought.

Endure