"Just" Another Sunday

I attended church this morning for the fourth advent Sunday before Christmas (3 more days on this side of the world!). An average-Sunday kind of experience except for the reminder that it is indeed Winter Break. But something made it feel not-so-average, not anything that happened out of the ordinary but rather the fact that it was so ordinary. Today started out with the kind of average that could fit into a book out there somewhere, the kind of average that seems fictional. Does that make sense? No, probably not to anyone but me. So extraordinarily average...

A balding, middle-aged man sat in the pew in front of me with several of his young children. I couldn't tell if they were all his or not, but I guessed that at least two of the young boys were. They'd chattered all through the music, distracting we in the row behind them until the constant reprimands of their mother spurred their father to join them on the pew. They settled as one might expect, influenced by his mere presence. The fact that he was there next to them reminded them that now was not a time for chatter with their friends, now was not a time for boisterous play. They were supposed to be calm and considerate of those around them.

What kind of cruel punishment was this?

And was it cruel punishment for them or for us?

The promise of cookies during the break in the service was assurance to the rest of us that they would later return to their pew even more wired than before. I watched the children interact, especially the brothers who had sat in front of me.

Violence.

The older tormenting the younger by shoving him, grabbing his hands to incapacitate him just because it was possible, was a less-than-enjoyable cause for the memory of my Social Justice class a few weeks ago to spring to mind. A study on the issue of Conflict reveals that humans are the most violent at two years of age, around the time when they learn to stand, to walk, to take action to meet their own lesser needs, and to throw obnoxious fits and terrifying temper tantrums. I write this about humans in third person but I am indeed a part of those statistics, however regretful I may be on the subject. Atrociously enough, if two years olds were the size of a teenager or adult then their every-half-hour actions would have them facing daily charges for assault. The number of times a toddler will react violently towards another being can be recorded in intervals of thirty minutes, sometimes less I am sure. A question asked in that class in response to this was whether the violence is learned or human nature. I quickly developed an opinion that violence was neither learned nor human nature, it was a part of the sin that is upon us the moment we emerge from the womb. We are all sinners, we all have sinned, do sin, and continue to sin, and this violence is undoubtedly a part of that.

Naturally, in public school class about the atrocious violence of humanity from a secular perspective, ideas of religion and faith aren't what one might call "supported". Much less the idea of sin.

But is this deep, dark subject what made the morning feel so wonderful and so ordinary both at one time? Decidedly not, thank heavens. Rather, I was so struck by the average essence of the middle-aged, balding man sitting with his children in a church-pew. As I only had outward appearance to judge by, I contemplated that the parents had lived in Abbotsford for at least several years, if not all their lives. Their children had been born and were now being raised in the same house. Dad had a steady job, mom was a stay-home mom for the time being, organizing play dates and preparing three meals a day for the family, shopping for groceries as regularly as ever and cleaning the house on at least a weekly basis.

By society's standards, this was a completely and stereotypically ordinary family in a very ordinary circumstance of living. Judging by outward appearance.

Every individual has their story, and whether it seems unremarkably (or in my point of view, quite remarkably) ordinary or not, it has its dazzling sides, its exciting moments, and its less-than-enticing sides as well. But today I was seeing ordinary, extraordinarily ordinary, sitting contentedly right in front of me and I would be lying if I said that I was not coveting it for myself.

Why would I crave the ordinary lifestyle when I've had it "so good"? When I've had "such amazing experiences"? When I've been through "things that change my perspective from that of anyone else's" allowing me to "see things in a way that few others do"? I wouldn't trade my experiences from the world, but does that prevent me from desiring the comfort and security of the ordinary?

Obviously not.

There are points in life when the "excitement" that I have experienced is exhausting. There are points in my life when "just being normal" looks like an amazing advantage and privilege that I am not privy to. When fitting in looks out of reach and you contemplate whether you even want to fit in anyways, and when experiences cause pain that doesn't seem to let you move on, ordinary looks like a safe haven amidst the chaos and the most refreshing oasis in the middle of a sweltering desert on the driest of summer days.

I have been gifted, blessed, relentlessly given experiences of a lifetime that I can look back on forever into the future and draw from until the day I die. I have been through things that I will never forget, nor will I ever go through again because of the uniqueness they carry. Do I have reason to complain? I do not. I've been given more than I could ever ask for, I wouldn't give up my life experiences for anyone or anything and I will stand by that resolution forevermore but there are always times where I have to take a minute to recollect myself. There are always times where I see what I would be like if I didn't have these experiences and I think to myself "Now would that have been so bad?" and I realize that no, it wouldn't have. It would be quite beautiful, actually. I can dream, I can imagine, and I can wish. I could have been society's definition of "normal". I could have "fit in". There would have been pains there and many hardships just as with any frame of life but I could have been "normal". And would that have been a bad thing? No. But knowing what I know now, would I trade this life for that one?

Simply no.

You make choices throughout your life and mine have led me here. This isn't the life I chose but it is the life I choose to keep...or to change.

Flaws - Bastille Cover

Just one more for the weekend. I'm on a roll or something. Cool stuff, bro.

Say Anything - Tristan Prettyman Cover

Everyone knows how utterly terribly I am at posting videos consistently. I seem to do the most around Christmas time - who knows why?

Ta-da!

Dressember for IJM

Did you know 27 million people are currently trapped in slavery? That's more than during the entire course of the Trans-Atlantic slave trade. 

This dear Social Justice 12 course that I'm taking at my high school is such a darn incentive to participate in causes, its gone and got me nabbed. This heart of mine...

I'm participating in Dressember, a month of dresses, to help International Justice Mission end modern-day slavery. 

Basically I'll be wearing a dress/skirt every day of December to support the cause, with the hopes that enough people will sponsor me to reach my personal goal of $50 in the much larger goal of the whole issue!

Visit www.dressember.net and consider sponsoring me. If you're already sold on it, why not head straight for https://www.ijmfreedommaker.org/campaign/2031/Dressember-for-IJM/ to support IJM in Dressember?

This should be very interesting. Because in case you weren't aware, I have a tendency to not wear dresses or skirts. It's been a while since the last time I did.

A Word A About Ted Dekker

     I believe it's safe to say that I have graduated from my obsession with the fantasy that is Harry Potter's World of Witchcraft and Wizardry. That is not to say that I've stopped being impressed, delighted, and fascinated by J.K. Rowling's series of 7 books but I do believe that I have moved on to more fulfilling favourites.
     Ted Dekker is undoubtedly quite an exceptional and inspiring favourite, maybe even my utmost favourite at this very moment in time on the 31st of August at 1:39 PM, though given the fickle tendencies of the human mind it can be expected that my order of favourites will change in the very near future.
     But for now Ted Dekker is my favourite.
     I'd like to bring attention to his incredible ability to bring to the surface the deeper and more confusing issues regarding Life and the beliefs of those who live it; to spin these issues subtly into a tale that holds just the right amount of action, just the right sprinkle of gore, just the right addition of a thrill and a touch of mystery and suspense, and just the right side dish of romance. And within this intricately, beautifully woven tapestry of a tale, the heavier realistic issues are addressed, subtle yet with such impact, in a tangle of delicious fiction. His extensiveness, accuracy, and enlightening manner is one such as I have not encountered elsewhere to date.
     In the true sense of the word, quite awesome. In the true sense of the word, quite awe-striking.
     Though it has been a couple of years since my perusal of his series, the Circle - Black, Red, White, and Green - and the Lost Books series, my very recent reading of the books Showdown, Saint, and Sinner have brought quite a number of relevant, striking questions to mind; issues that I have fretted over with passion only to find no answers in my mind. Though Dekker does not exactly present me with those sought answers he does leave the mind with feelings of high surety and understanding.

     It has to be impossible to step away from his writing without looking at at least one heavy thought path in a completely different light. Through his writing, Ted Dekker works in realms of thought and question, love, and good and evil.
     At this very moment in time, at 1:48 PM on August the 31st of the year 2013, Ted Dekker is my absolute favourite Weaver of Words.

To Be Thankful For Suffering

     In the morning of the third of August, 2013, while I was in the kitchen baking the black midnight cake for my mother's birthday, I suddenly realized how it was possible to be thankful for suffering. I believe that the only reason for this is that I am, quite officially, thankful for the hardships I've recently undergone. "I do not regret", as I've said before. The reality of that actually hit me for some reason that I don't even understand.

     Why didn't I notice this before?

     Honestly, I have no idea. It doesn't make much sense. All I can say is that I am grateful that I've come to this realization. It's a freeing concept, a relieving thought, one that I would hope that all could come to terms with. In the end, however, it's probably safe to say that the only people who will come to terms with it are those who have undergone notable hardship, hardship that has brought them to the brink of despair, hardship that changed them.

     It would be a lie to say that I was still the same after some of the things I experienced within the last two years. I'm different from before, not only in body but in mind and heart as well, and I know it. If your hardships don't change you it's difficult to be thankful for them. The ones that change you are the ones you understand the reason for, the ones you can look back on and seriously believe that "yes, it was worth it, and this is why".

     I can be thankful for what has happened because I know that I have learned from it and changed for the better. I can be thankful for what has happened because I know that I came away from it better off than before. We can't always see the reason for why we go through what we go through, but there always is one. That is the theme of my life: There is a reason.

     Everything has a reason.

          There is always a reason.

               And that is why I always ask "why"?

     When you finally see the reason behind it, it feels like a splash of cold water on an unsuspecting face. A hard slap from reality. It's a beautiful thing. And yet, searching for the reason can be a long, tiresome process. The challenge there is not getting too caught up in that process, blinding yourself to everything else. The challenge is believing that there is indeed a reason to the turmoil, even when you can't see what it is.

       In the morning of the third of August, 2013, while I was in the kitchen baking the black midnight cake for my mother's birthday, I suddenly realized how it was possible to be thankful for suffering. A beautiful realization, most certainly.

Vocabulary

     In my musings of today, after going through much intelligible reading, I have found Vocabulary to be the thing of the day - the element in life that most fascinates me on this pristine, warm, Canadian/British Columbian day.
     I have an unsatiated desire to use long, complicated terms with simple meanings in every sentence that sprouts from between my lips.
     And I find myself incapable of typing and sometimes speaking a single sentence without using descriptive images that are most likely quite unnecessary.
     Reading actual books is something that has drawn me once again, as I was quite unhealthily obsessed with reading manga for some time (probably still am, only I'm in denial over it because I keep telling myself I need to stop but it's terribly difficult). On that note, if you ever come to a point where you are in search of some excellent reading material, or perhaps you stumble across these books by chance, two that I recommend would be Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan and The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. The latter, I have no yet even finished reading. I still recommend it to you, which is saying something. It's fabulous. It's beyond fabulous. They both are. And this coming from someone who doesn't tend to read this style of books. Like my friend, the fabulous Connie Bahnman, said to me after recommending them in the first place: "Not my cup of tea, but John Green MAKES IT my cup of tea."
     So true.

             
Thus I have accidentally on purpose advertised two books and one fabulous author. (If you were to read Will Grayson, Will Grayson you may end up understanding my obsession of the word fabulous) I meant this rant to be about my incurable desire for the use of abnormally fabulous vocabulary, but I suppose I must give credit where credit is due. I would not have felt this way had I not read these novels.

Now stop reading this post. Go, be free, remove yourself from the Boredomverse and find yourself these books. You have been tasked, I have completed my mission, and all that's left is for you to obey!
     Please do.
          The above is most definitely not a request, though I ultimately made you read it as though it was.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us

The feeling of being back in Canada and no longer in Paris is surreal. At first, it was almost unbelievable to think that I was actually in Canada. Now the unbelievable part is that several weeks ago I was, in fact, in Paris. The near-two years that I spent there feel like they almost didn't happen. If I really wanted to I think that I could almost convince myself that my time in Paris didn't happen at all.
It was a dream.
     At times, it was a very bad dream.
          A nightmare.
But the key is that I could only convince myself of this if I really wanted to. Obviously, that is not what I really want. If I can compare some parts of my time in France to a nightmare, I cannot deny that there are other parts that I can compare to a lovely dream that I did not want to wake up from. Granted, a good portion of these indescribable moments happened when we traveled away from Paris either to other parts of France or to different countries but I must remind myself that I never would have experienced those moments had I not been living in Paris at the time.
I do not regret.
But I ask myself how I can be so sure about that at the same time. How can I look back at the feelings I had, the things I went through, underwent, experienced, and still say that I am glad to have gone through all of it? It was only yesterday that I reread a Note that I made on Facebook, a true rant or a rage, if you please, depicting my most inner emotions and thoughts. Title: "I'm dead inside and in need."
I was desperate.
Even then I must have known that Facebook was maybe not the best place to be posting my deepest, darkest reflections. I'm sure there were better ways that I could have dealt with my pain, but it was a way for me to communicate my agony to the people I had left behind. It was a way that I could use freely to let them know how I was feeling while I hoped that at least one of them would answer and help me, somehow, out of the pit of Depression that I had dug myself into.
The Me from the Past made the Present me tear up when I reread my past emotions. The things I felt back then were so real that I could feel the remnants of them, the scars, the ghost that they left lingering behind me. I may not always know that the ghost is there, but there are the occasional reminders that cause my eyes to burn and my tears to well up, my throat to tighten. I am still affected.
I still remember.
     So why do I not regret?
There are a good number of things that pulled me through back then. I don't know if I remember what all of them even were, whether they were verses from the Bible that I held onto or quotes from real-life or even fictional characters that I begged to be real. There were songs that got me through as well, and there were the people that were watching over me from wherever they were, reminding me constantly that they were there.
That they were listening.
     That they were praying.
          That they were with me.
But one of the most notable things that I held onto, one of the things that I remember extremely clearly, was none other than a quote from a movie.

"I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."

"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." 

--Frodo and Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

It was Gandalf's line that I held onto so strongly, that I always remembered when things were particularly hard. I would replace Frodo's line "I wish I had never moved. I wish none of this had happened" and Gandalf's reply would be exactly what I needed to hear. It may not have lifted my spirits at the time, but I clung to that thought like a lifeline. If I was drowning, that was my life preserver or my lifeguard. If I wasn't breathing, it was my CPR. If I was choking, my heimlich. Falling from a cliff, it was my rope that rubbed my hands raw as I clung to it, waiting to be pulled up and trying to climb.
I held on to the concept that God would never put me through something that I could not handle with him. There would never be anything too big, anything that was too much and that would end up destroying me. That meant that I had to make it through and that was something that I forced myself to hold on to.
I've made myself now come to the conclusion that I do not regret because I have grown and changed. My pain was as much agony as it was strength. And yet even after reaching such a conclusion, I still wonder how I've come to terms with it.
Have I come to terms with it, or are there still darker emotions pent up inside of me? Because if I did have regrets then I would have to consider nearly two years of my life wasted. And I don't believe that I can afford that.
Everything has a reason.
     There is always a reason.
          And that is why I always ask "why?".

Cover of The A Team by Ed Sheeran

Heyyy there.

Intro and outro are in the video, this was done by me, so I shall say no more:

I'm a bit prouder of this one than the rest...

Enjoy! <3

You Have the Right To Be Treated Right

I had a good chat with some good people on Tuesday; thought I might share or rather ramble. This is a post that will end up being mostly directed at girls, probably in their teens. If this hits home with anyone younger than that...God help you.

So, people, ladies in particular, what are you doing? Are you stupid, or is it just me who sees it that way? I know that society has managed to appall me quite vastly in a great number of ways over the few years I've been alive and conscious of some of the horrors that transpire, but who knew there could be such a big problem on the base level of life?

One word: Relationships.

A lot of people are looking for that Fairy Tale, that cliché Happily Ever After that, in the end, is likely not what one would call "possible". There is no "perfect guy" or "perfect girl" out there for anyone. We all have our shortcomings, we all make mistakes both ginormous and small and those are just a few facts of life. That "perfect person" isn't just going to show up and make your life suddenly full of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows because no matter who they are you are going to end up facing challenges along the road. Another fact of life. It won't run smoothly and that is something we all need to come to terms with in order to move on.

Having said that, I'm now going to take a step back and come back with a realistic view on this. No, things will not be perfect, yes you will have to trudge through mud and rain and dismal situations to see the light again, and working things out together can make all the difference. But please, please, keep a small but firm grip on reality here! If you believe that that one person shows up who you think is your "special someone", they whisper those sweet nothings to you and give you compliments every day, they kiss you when they see you in the morning and they tell you they love you before they say goodbye, granted you're going to swoon. You're going to fall for them probably pretty hard and it'll be excruciatingly difficult to get back up again. But can you at least put some effort in to maintain a small amount of sanity and clarity? Here's where it's seriously directed at the ladies out there: Is it flattery or compliments? In other words, is the guy sincerely looking at you in the belief that you are beautiful or is he just saying that because he knows he'll get into your pants faster if he does?

Discern.

You have to keep in mind that there are people out there who don't care if you're in love with them, they don't care if you want a long-lasting relationship, they're just in it for the rush and the adrenaline, the good feeling it gives them. Is your "significant other" making choices that will help build a strong bond between the two of you and not tear that bond down? Are they taking your health and safety into account with the decisions they make and the life-style they choose to live? Or are you just throwing yourself away and giving everything up to make that person happy?

That's not exactly love, my friend. That is irrational and desperate.

He or she needs to treat you right, and that is something you have the ability and responsibility to demand for. You are not living to make that person happy and to make sure they're where they want to be at whatever the cost. You are there with them to build up a relationship together, to live on together, to create a future together. That means that they need to be conscious of you, your future, and your desires as much as you are of theirs because it is a team effort. Don't give your life away at the age of sixteen to someone your age who hasn't even fully gone through puberty yet, please, I implore you. Don't give me that "But I love him/her and I know that he/she loves me" crap. Are they conscious that you have a future to decide as well? Are they aware that you have things you want to discover, to try out, to explore, and are they ready to cheer you on through it or go through it with you, together?

If you're going out and saying "I just want to be there for them, that's all I want with my life," and you still haven't graduated from High School, you really need to get your priorities straightened out. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have the world to discover, your interests to uncover, and your future to create. Don't stick yourself to one person who may or may not be there with you two or even one year from now. Take a deep breath of common sense, take that slap in the face from reality. If you're just giving your life away to that certain immature (in body and mind) someone because you think that you've found true love, give it a good thought. If you're just hanging around because it's cool to be dating someone, it's the "thing to be doing", STOP and THINK. Notice how we've moved from italics to ALL CAPS. This is IMPORTANT. It's far too early for you to think of settling down as a housewife of all things and ditching the chance for future education because you "fell in love". What are you going to do all day, exactly? Stay at home for the rest of your life, cooking and cleaning and waiting for your dear significant other to come home from work?

...If that appeals to you, alright-y then. Enjoy. Have fun. Be my guest. But there is MORE out in the WORLD for you to EXPLORE. There is MORE to LIFE than that one person, there are more PEOPLE and he or she is NOT the ONLY ONE that will come close enough to whatever standards you have for the person you may or may not want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't just settle down with the first person who shows up who comes "close enough". You won't find the perfect person but you'll find someone who tries to be the best they can be for you. And if they're not trying to be the best for you...

Ditch them.

Naturally, it's a two way thing. You both have to try to be your best for the other person, support each other, and accept each others' support in your dreams and goals.

DON'T GIVE YOURSELF TO THE FIRST ONE WHO ASKS YOU OUT AND DON'T STICK WITH THEM BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT THAT IS LOVE. Honey, you don't know what love is. Love is patient, love is kind, love does not anger easily, love keeps no record of wrongs. Love protects, hopes, trusts, and perseveres. Is your "love" trying its best to keep those standards on both sides of the relationship? Are you both trying your best to be the best for each other?


In the end it'll look less like this...

 And more like this:

 Because relationships aren't perfect and neither is life and you have to go through all of the crap that strengthens you as well as the good stuff that is entirely worth it.

Don't throw yourself away so easily. You have a right to demand to be treated right. Use it.

Sword Art Online

When Anime gives you this:

Asuna and Kirito

And then turns it into this:

Asuna, Kirito, and Yui

Well...this:

Tamaki and Haruhi

And this:

Misaki and Usui

And this:

Kei and Hikari

And this:

Ryuuji and Taiga

And even THIS:

Tohru and Kyou

...pale in comparison.

You just cannot beat...this:

Asuna, Kirito, and Yui

<3 <3 <3

Harlem Shake- #$(!#$*(#GAH!

What is this phenomenon rocking the nation? What is with this dance? I've had my fill of the different versions, as I'm sure you have as well, but since everyone is- or was- doing the Harlem Shake all over the web I thought I'd put up my personal favourites from youtube up for anyone and everyone to enjoy.

Harlem Shake - Gotham City Friends

My best friend's brother and his friends put this one together. It is my favourite version of all time, but that is just my opinion :)

Harlem Shake vFinal (NODE Edition)

I think a LOT of people would select this as their favourites, what with the overflowing posts and re-posts, tweets and re-tweets, shares and re-shares rocking the world of the Harlem Shake. It has to end somewhere, and to many people this is a perfect expression of that. I mean, what is it really? An idiot dancing in a room full of people who aren't paying any attention until one rising moment in the music where they all start dancing. Why is it so amusing? I have no idea. Someone tell me...

Harlem Shake (KORRA version)

I don't know how many people are fans of Avatar: The Last Airbender or the Legend of Korra, but I know I am. That's probably why I found this so hysterically awesome...and super, duper, über wrong.

And there you have it! I have done my civic duty, my share, in spreading the last leg of the Harlem Shake. Just keeping it real folks - as a hermit, I have to stay in touch with other people somehow. If this is the way to do so, then why not?

But seriously. WHY are we, as humans, so amused by this kind of stuff? Answers, anyone?