I've been a little conflicted lately - conflicted about what? Well, let's just say a lot of things. I don't like where I'm at, and although I'm out of the freak show of the French school system now and in doing online courses instead, I'm still not where I want to be. It's better than it was, sure I'll give it that, but as I ramble on here, what I'm trying to say is that I wish I were elsewhere. Let's say I wish I were in Canada, to be more specific, back where I came from, no matter how great France can be, it's not great for me right now and...it sucks. So I'm conflicted with how I'm supposed to be acting. Do I have to pretend to be happy and liking life because it's not hard or bad or down in the dumps? Am I allowed to portray my distaste for my life's state when I'm not even in half as bad a situation as so many other people? Do I even have the right to be complaining at all? Because this post is basically a complaint - good thing you don't have to read it if you don't want to, right? - and if I don't have the right to complain...that'd mean I'm doing something illegal. Crap. I'm crossing the line! The French police are going to arrest me and put me in a juvenile prison for complaining!
Yeah, no...that's not what I mean by having the right, and everyone knows that, but really! Does anyone think I have the right to be dissatisfied with life? Because if I'm not, then we have a problem. Nothing anyone says is going to get me to love France. You can yell about all the great points until you're blue in the face, but that's not going to make me love being here. So am I in the wrong being dissatisfied, when I can't really help my dissatisfaction? Or is my frustration justified?
Believe me, I don't want to be dissatisfied, but I know that nothing anyone says will change the way I feel. I don't want this, but I don't have any means of changing things until I'm eighteen, and that's not for another two years, so what do I do until then? I guess I have to try to make the best of things? Great. That's easier said than done. I'm lonely, I'm in another culture, I can't take the classes I want to take and I have no flesh and blood relationships with people on this continent...well, this city. I know someone in Germany, but I can't very well get together with them every other weekend, now can I? So, I'm a loner. I have no life. And whatever it is I do have (I stated I had no life, so I'm not sure what it is I have) is not something I'm enjoying. Is that wrong?
I'm looking for justification here, so that the conflicts inside of me can settle a little. Whether my feelings are justifiable or not - that's a conflict playing through my mind right now. I don't like conflict - I'm not a violent person, as much as I like to pretend to be. I just want to feel...peace.
CRAP. In case you're wondering, there were a few comments here, but I did something by accident and they got deleted...really sorry about that :$
ReplyDeletelol no worries
ReplyDeleteI'm still figuring things out, after all ^^ Bear with me, I'll have it figured out at one point or another.
DeleteWell you definitley have the right to be not happy, but I want to know what it is out here, that you miss so much. I'm sure school has a big part to do with it, and most likely friends. But what else?
ReplyDeleteWell, you're right about school and friends, but then there's family, and there's the language. Hearing French being spoken around me every day is tiring, I miss the English atmosphere where I can understand everything flawlessly. There's also the culture, the general difference in behaviour - French people and Canadian people don't act the same, and I miss the Canadian feel to things. I guess I felt at home in Canada, and now I just...miss home. I'm homesick. And as a sub-note, there's the food and produce and Canadian stores! I miss the Canadian food, the Canadian clothing! The food court at the mall, the different stores that I know and like and can be almost sure to find something there that I'll wear. There's a sense of familiarity to Canadian malls, you know? I miss that...
DeleteI think it might take a long time to list everything I miss, so maybe I'll just make that my next post...